Read this only if you wanna know whats been going on with me, but i warn u this is probably long and boring as fuck. OKay never mind this is a fucking essay, go ahead and read if you want but it really isn’t so much worth it.

So earlier in the week, I find out that I have to find another job or else i might be heading back to sd sooner than i think. And then later on I find out that either someone stole my CTA pass (public transportation) from my wallet or i somehow lost it which is weird but sucks ass cuz i gotta pay either 50 or 90 for a replacement which i really don’t want to:/ then i remember that my monthly payment is coming up soon and find out that i don’t have enough to pay for it so I have to ask my bro for money which btw i hate asking ppl for money! So i do that and start looking and applying more than i ever have b4 for a second job. But i’ve been so busy with school, running, study hall, and work that I don’t even know how i’m gonna fit that in, as if i wasn’t losing sleep as it is! Money is a bitch and the struggle is even worse.

I’ve been so extremely busy and i feel so bad because I’m doing a terrible job of keepin in contact with ppl cuz i have barely any time to myself and when i do, i just wanna relax; I can’t even get on facebook for 2-3 days at a time; Ppl just get mad at me cuz they think i’m just ignoring them or just dnt care cuz i’m “living the life” which is bs, i’m just swamped. I’ve written 14 essays in the past 3 weeks and i have 3 due soon which sucks cuz i’m losing all creativity and hate staying up till 2-3 in the morning which always happens which brings me to my recent shit

before that (u can skip this if you want): so i had to go pick up my bib for my hot chocolate 5k that i signed up for earlier and had to go out and get it or else i would be out $50! So i was supposed to go with my two teammates but i could not get into the bathroom (roomate taking long ass shower) so i cud change and took too long and they had to leave me which sucks cuz i don’t have a printer for the email i had to print out and did not know wer it was. PLUS the packet and bib/jacket pickup ended at 8 and it was already 6!!! So i was fucked so i rushed downstairs to print my email but i only had 20 cents on my printer card so i couldn’t print it cuz it was 5 pages. btw its hard to think straight while rushing. So i finally came up with the idea of just printing out the first 2 pages (10cts. per page) and looked up where it was at, union station 210 S. Canal, take blue line (subway) to clinton then walk half a mile… got it, lets go and hurry. I rush out in 30 degree cold weather but dressed appropriately and go to the subway to find out…..i can’t find my CTA pass. I’m screwed looking but i tell this black security guard who could tell i was stressing (it was 6:30) and he let me thru to take the blue line. wat an angel. So i go out and see my teammates heading back from union station so i know i’m good, (btw i have terrible sense of direction) and i find the station and i get my bib and jacket. Great:) so i look around..blah. THEN i start to head back to my dorm..but i don’t have my CTA pass and this lady wouldn’t be nice like tat security guard was and i end up having to walk back! which sucks ass so i walk back in the coldest weather me myself has experienced. Cold as fuck and don’t really know my way around chicago, i take the extremely wrong way adding another mile and a half to my walk but whatever i make it back, eat, and prepare for sleep.

I go to sleep early the night b4 my race (hot chocolate 5k) so i can run well. I hit the bed a little b4 10 and don’t sleep till 2!!! Yeah i know its hard to change your sleepping pattern but i tried and it didn’t work. So i set 3 alarms 6:10, 6:20, 6:30 cuz my race starts at 7:30 but i was gonna meet my teammates at 7. Turns out the next morning either my phone alarm doesn’t work or i’m just an extremely heavy sleeper cuz i end up not waking up. I wake up at 8:10 cursing every word in the book. I’m so mad at myself and what sucks even more is that i hit the bed early and skipped a hangout friday night to sleep and i STILL woke up late. i’m definitely not a morning person….:( god i hate my life….but i’m used to bad luck. So instead i dress up and rush out the building with my keycard id and phone and run as fast as i can to where the race is being held. I get there, and it turns out the 5k i signed up for is ending:( FML anyways so i see ppl finishing and i decide i might as well get my chocolate fondue and hot chocolate drink…….but then i see a huge crowd going toward a start line and remember that a 15k was going to be run….they started about 10 mins b4 i got ther but ppl were still walking to cross the starting line to start running cuz of how crazy crowded it was…so i was like fuck it, i paid $50 for it, i better run. I jump the fence and join the other 26,000 runners for the 15k w/o stretching, drinking water, eating, using the br, or even washing my face. I hide my keycard id and phone in a what i think is a pretty good hiding spot if any, and start running 6.3 miles more than what i signed up for. So i’m running and weaving in out of sooooooooo much traffic (slow runners) and becuz of that i cross the first mile in 9 mins. But i speed up more and more and weave in & out of thousands of runners and i musta passed 19,000 ppl at 7 min pace and finish the 9.3 mile race in 1 hour, 10 minutes (handtime cuz the electronic was 18 minutes when i crossed the starting line becuz of the crowd of sooo many chicago runners). I’m happy cuz i still got my race done and made my usual bad luck into an opportunity to run a 15k which i have never ran in my life. So I go to retrieve my keycard and phone and….ther not there. I go to lost and found but that was no luck:/ So yup, my bad luck gets worse. I lose my $25.00 id and my $200 phone which i had to both replace twice cuz they broke.

Pissed as fuck, i get my chocolate and head home; which i can’t get in so i use my second to last lockout and i go to email the race organizers like the lost and found told me to and i end up finding out that my Sallie Mae college tuition payment plan took out the $934 payment out of my account a day early with me only having $455 in my account waiting on my bro to lend me the rest and i get an additional overdraft fee of $35 from bank of america. So now i’m about to have no money at all and have to pay for essentially a $90 replacement CTA pass, ANOTHER $25 keycard for my room and i have to cancel my phone and get a new one….only to find out that Verizon is closed today and the racing organization is closed till tuesday. FML once again, god is punishing me for my sins and i get it but fuck i’ve had enough fucking trouble in my life.

This is starting to be a bad look for me, i got shitloads of hwk, no laptop; shitload of payments, no money; gotta get a second job, no time; and i have to reorganize another fucking even harder time management schedule, with no time. And without my keycard i can’t eat or leave my room. FUCK THIS. i wanna cry, i kno tht sounds gay but fuck man i need something to relieve me. But i cant cry, idk y but i can’t. I gotta be strong but tht doesn’t help me at all. I can only write this, its not particularly for my friends to read but for me to vent so that i don’t break down and give up. Don’t worry, i’m a strong person, i’ll get through this and everything will be back to normal which is actually still pretty stressful. Its hard to be independent, and i hate asking for help but I will in desperation. Fuck it

So I hope the title is attention grabbing lol; This is gonna be my first blog post that isn’t too insightful. BUt I did realize something….

   WARNING THIS IS EXPLICIT!! DON”T READ THIS IF YOUR NOT PLANNING ON HEARING SOMETHING NASTY. Okay lastly before I go into the dream, take into the fact that, yes, I’m a virgin. Some ppl tend to find this as a surprise lol. Anyways now for the dream.

Okay so I can’t remember which day it was but recently when I was sleeping, I had a very sexual dream. I really can’t remember a lot of the details because I suck lol but the ones I do remember I believe are most important. Okay so it starts with me and this pretty white girl in my bedroom. I was trying to chop, you know me, and she was trying to distract me from something that was happening outside. Whatever it was, she thought it was bad and I was more like I didn’t care. So I guess she leaves all suspicious like from my room and some other girl comes in. From her looks, she was mexican, nice hair, but fat; really chubby but kind of like baby fat and she had a cute face. So I start talking to her and somehow the conversation goes to virginity. And she tells me that she’s not a virgin. She’s all acting like cautious of me, I guess because i’m a black guy or something. Then she askes me if i’m a virgin and I end saying that I am. All of a sudden she’s smiling and careless with me. So I end up kissing her softly and she stops it. But the kiss, I don’t know why, but it really turned me on. Like I got a really nice boner and all I could think about was sex. Okay so i’m really turned on, and I do something unlike me: I pull down my shorts and i’m in briefs which can still show a good outline of my boner and I say very softly: Lets do it:) haha and she’s like “…no….no..” all the while i’m pushing her on my bed and i pull down her pants, which was very easy to get off btw, and she stops saying no. She ends spreading her legs on my bed and i’m really turned on now. She gives me this inviting sexual smile on her face and I take off my briefs and I point my thing to hers and I get closer and closer and in the dream all I can see is my thing and hers and how close i’m getting. (btw this is all the span of seconds that i’m bringing it closer) and so now i’m so close that its about to go in….and then I wake up. I know, sucks right! I understood why I woke up before it went in and its because I have never had the feeling of that. And so i’m in my mind and even in real life, i’m like “FUUUCCCCKKKKK!” hahaha and so I’m sooo hard when I wake up and I’m angry! haha

This dream helped me realize something though: I am sooo ready for sex. Like their really is no room for being scared or even rethinking doing it with a girl. AND I realized that I am soooooooo horny. It sucks being a guy sometimes. It also made me realize that I dig fat chicks lol :) <3

Whoever knows me knows that I’m married to running. Me and running get a long better than chicken and rice (btw; yumm:p)! But like all relationships, we have are ups and downs (and i’m not referring to hills cuz i’ll kill 9x out of 10). All runners (especially hs) go through this phase where they question themselves and their love for running. The kind of question where its like “Why am I out here?? I’ll never be the best, why even try? What is there to look forward to?” Well this phase eats 80% of all competitive runners and makes them either quit or do very poorly in the rest of their runner careers. Well this has hit me, personally, very hard. This summer has been one of the hardest road bumps that I’ve ever hit. My love for running is slowly being replaced by my love for a lot of other things, hobbies, and even certain persons. But knowing me and my dedication for things, I’m apart of that lucky 20% that will survive this. God has truly blessed me because even though I haven’t ran much this summer, I still have a lot of my fitness. I really don’t need to brag by giving examples but just trust me. The speed is there, the endurance, the willpower, the rocking hot body…..the only thing I was missing was my motivation. This same motivation that pushed me to kill my body over and over and break every limit possible to make myself into this amazing, competitive high school runner that inspired other runners everywhere. This motivation which gave me the outlook on life to just go the extra mile, no matter how much it would hurt. Well this motivation changed me to become the man I am today but now that I lost it, I don’t feel the same. It bothered me. But like the effects of gravity (lol physics), this motivation is slowly coming back..but in a complete new form. I used to be all about me, the individual (don’t get me wrong I’m definitely not selfish!:P) but I had no choice. The team…well the high school i’m from, wasn’t too focused on the team aspect. My definition of teamwork at the time was to be a role model for my teammates, teach and inspire to be the best they could be. I talked a lot but I also did this by action. I pushed my teammates until they hated me, so that it would benefit the team. But still, throughout these workouts, I still was focused on what I could do. (btw I love coaching and might pick it up as a second job…) Now I’m finding this new kind of motivation; one that will benefit me the most.

    LOL which brings me to Wednsday the 4th:) Okay so I was invited by my cousin to go train with the Mesa Cross Country team which was holding their practice at Balboa Park. I’ve heard many, many great things from their team and was excited to join them. So we get there, and I’m suprised how many good runners that I know that were there. Turns out they also ended up going to community college even though I really thought that they would’ve gotten scholarships to other great teams; Anyways so yeah it was either I knew of them or heard of their stats but I didn’t really know them personally all except for Deng who, turns out, is the fastest guy on their team and I remember racing with him back in a high school race. So we start and its supposed to be an easy controlled run of 50-60 minutes. Oh btw, they had like 18 guys that day and 2 girls (girls have a different coach and different practice but these two were exceptionally good). So it ends up breaking up into many different packs. 3 extremely competive (stupid) guys in the front pushing it too much, a pack of 5 behind (including ther two best guys), and various packs of 3-4 just running at the CORRECT pace lol. Well knowing me, haha i went with the pack of 5 and we ran close to 8 miles. We went everywhere! Every place you think about when you think of balboa park (world beat center, morley feild, naval base, golf course, even highway!) and I loved it. Even though they dropped me so close to the end (a little disappointed in myself for that) I’ve never felt more apart of a team then this. This is when it hit me. I loved being there with those guys. I didn’t even know them and I felt so connected to them like they were my brothers and we were family running hard. Haha maybe this sounds like too much but it motivated me to run as hard as I possibly could, not because I wanted to be the best, but because THEY as a team wanted to be the best. This team was dedicated to going to state this season (which they have done successfully and won it ‘07,’08,’09). I loved this. Now I felt like I was truly part of a team. Yeah sure, I had a team in high school but it wasn’t like this. They had so many guys at the same level pushing each other, but beautifully, to be the best they could be, not for their personal benefit, but for the teams benefit. It amazed me and I think this is the formula to help me refind my passion for running. My coach told me about this also! Its called synergy and its the very reason why so many teams win championships repetitively! Not because they had 7 runners with enough natural talent to be the shit respectively on any team, but because their was 2 runners with that talent and the other 5 being pushed to be as good as them. This is synergy and its what i’m totally digging! I can’t wait to find this when I leave to Chicago. It will push me to things I’ve never dreamed of and I’m really looking forward to it. Its something that I needed….thank you god for making me that 20% that stays dedicated to running.

First, I would like to say that this is sooooooooo unlike me. Girls like Michelle Bracaglia (gotta give her a shout out:p) have changed me to embracing more and more of this sensitive nature of mine that I would like to keep hidden lol. Its like….i’ve gone from this guy who used to LITERALLY not give a fuck and just do what made him happy and not think of the consequences >to> this guy who’s considerate, caring, friendly, and just ultimately soft. My ex Monica and my best friend Michelle have brought this out of me and my friends Christy, Jose, and Melvin have really made me embrace it and let it come over me by welcoming it and overall liking my personality more because of it. Even my bro Amiin! who is the guy who made me more as the dangerous type. Its like all I wanna talk about is feelings!: like how i feel, how they feel, helping them understand what their conflicting person is feeling, and i’ve let the other half that I tried to keep hidden completely wash over my bad half. I mean yeah sure I say funny stuff, and do crazy and sponaneous things but….its just not the same me from 2 years ago haha! Whatever happened to that cocky, confident, arrogant, cool, funny, sexual, down for anything; side of me??? haha its been overcame by this, what i would use to call, gay side of me. Don’t lie, every guy has one but most guys are better at concealing it completely so they seem like their more and more a bad guy type. Monica, Michelle…..M and M….what have you guys done to me? haha but u know what? I like this side of me, i really do but by the time i head out to Chicago, I’m gonna leave most of it behind. I’m gonna be that guy I was sophmore year and go crazy lol! see wat i mean? I used to hate ppl that said “lol”, and did all those smiley faces with the colon button. Now look at me! Wtf?! haha but w/e…man i’m two clicks off being gay….now all i need to do is like guys! lol jk

Alright last thing, even though i started this whole blog shit, I would really love to reveal my innermost workings of my mind but even through this, i don’t think I can. I wish i could just say anything i wanted to but I don’t feel like I can. BUT i will say a lot. Whoever is reading this can tell that I write a LOT,….no A LOTTTTTTTTTTTT!! serioiusly i write essays! haha ever since i’ve changed to the type i am right now, I’ve been writing like i would never see that person again haha! Who da fuck is reading this? lol if ur reading all this, then u REALLY want to know me haha and i can’t blame you:p From my horoscope i read today, i’m pretty charming :D HAHA ^^ Horoscope! lol i’m soo gay